Thursday, November 13, 2008

Internal Conflict

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. It would be untruthful to suggest that I never thought of a career, but motherhood was always my chief priority in life.

For a very long stretch, I wanted to be a lawyer, but eventually that plan kind of fizzled. Within a year after J and I were married, we moved to Minnesota and I just did...well, nothing for a year. Once we moved home, I did more nothing until I became fed up with the nothing that was doing nothing. So, I returned to school and, having previously worked in a college library, decided to see if there was any work in the library at the school. And...there was. So, for nearly 8 years, I climbed the library ladder and was damn good at what I did (doing everything someone with a Master's in Library Science would). But, my heart wasn't really in it. I enjoyed what I did for the most part, and I loved being in academia. I also tutored English for the Learning Center and helped teach ESOL for a summer program run by the school. I was a damn good tutor, too, and, as much as I flirted with the idea of getting my MLS, I was much more tempted to go for a PhD in English and try to become a professor. But, in all honestly, I was just biding my time until my dream of motherhood could come true.

And it did. I am a very hands-on mother and I love it. I can't imagine my life being any different. I am so very, very blessed with Liam and Ella that sometimes I feel as though my heart is going to explode with gratitude and awe. But sometimes, just sometimes, I have an occasional twinge of thinking about returning to school when the kids are older. And then I feel guilty for feeling as though I'm somehow betraying my dream of motherhood by potentially not being here all of the time. I worry that, if I get a graduate degree and start a new career, that I'm shortchanging my family. I also worry that Liam and Ella might one day be disappointed that I didn't have a career and maybe feel as though I squandered my potential or something.


Obviously, I'll be working this one out for quite a while.

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