I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up If I Tried

My day...

The scene: Liam's been sick for the past couple of days and has been having a particularly bad time with diarrhea. As I was changing his diaper, he was holding the Desitin for me and taunting me by telling me that he was going to eat it.

H: No, we don't eat that. If it's meant for your bum, it's most certainly not intended for your mouth.

(Really, I think that's advice we can all use.)

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The scene: I'm standing in the kitchen dishing out some dinner and Liam is standing beside me.

L: You making dinner, Mommy?

H: Yes, go tell Daddy that we're having tofu casserole for dinner.

L (running off and in an adorable sing-song voice): Dad-dy! We're having tofu asshole for dinner!

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The scene: I'm exhausted and worn out, sitting in the living room and listening to Liam play in the front room, wondering what's going on with the barrister bookcase.

H (to J): Can you go check on him, please?

J (walking into the kitchen and glancing at Liam): Whatcha doing? Trying to decapitate yourself?

Ella (running from my side into the front room to see what her brother's up to): Liam! You crapping yourself?

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The scene: I'm holding Ella right before heading upstairs for bedtime.

H: Let Daddy wipe your face and hands before bed. You need to be all clean.

Ella: I want to be a dirty girl! I need to!

And such is my life...